Letting go of the story and moving into Open Sky

Escape, by D.H. Lawrence
When we get out of the glass bottles of our own ego,
and when we escape like squirrels from turning in the cages of our personality,
and get into the forest again,
we shall shiver with cold and fright
but things will happen to us
so that we don’t know ourselves.
Cool, unlying life will rush in,
and passion will make our bodies taut with power,
we shall stamp our feet with new power
and old things will fall down,
we shall laugh, and institutions will curl up like burnt paper.

The Renunciation of Privacy (with ourselves) was the centerpiece of Level V –  we would reach the bottom of the well internally – sitting with and then letting go of the secrets and lies we tell ourselves about ourselves. Then metaphorically moving out into the Open Sky, the newly openhearted self would join with Heaven and Earth via body/speech/mind.

One of my big moments at the bottom of the well – was more acknowledgement than insight:

I’ve lived 40+ years in my head – discounting/dismissing or drugging/drowning any and all emotional component or connection. All I ever wanted was to feel a connection to people and things – yet I took every measure to avoid it and can still unconsciously take steps to make sure that’s ‘how the story goes…’

After a time, we write our true selves off and become the stories we tell…

For me the ‘story’ was borne out of fear of abandonment and early emotional pain – when I was ripped up and left raw by the ‘unfairness’ of life – my childhood was one of vigilant defensiveness masquerading as wide-eyed wonder.

Looking back, I didn’t know any other way – it was survival instinct – and it worked – but what a hellish place to exist in 40 years later. It also leaves you with a stilted style of interaction based on ‘need for gain’ and ‘fear of loss.’ Nothing is genuine.

It’s no great mystery why I felt I ‘connected’ with emotionally/spiritually unavailable people – that’s exactly was what I was too…unavailable. Like seeks like and when it all goes to Hell, it’s right on schedule…just another brick in the wall. Cue the music. It was ‘to be expected’ and it was what I thought I wanted…until…it wasn’t.

Now more than anything, I want to be genuine – truly open and as human as possible. Publicly admitting all of this is an exercise in terror – ironic that the act of opening up (what I want) triggers the instinct to shut down (what I don’t want).

Cosmic Irony at its finest – there is a sadness to an open heart – but humor is right there with it.

I’ll be sitting with that one for a while…

 

 

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